The primary problem with playing Hatoful Boyfriend – one that ought to be obvious to anybody who hasn't recently gotten their head trapped in a cement mixer, but nevertheless bears repeating – is that as a visual novel it really does take fearful liberties with the concept of 'play'. So you're looking for a Hatoful Boyfriend, I guess? I don't know what that is, and Google isn't playing nice with me. I'm not sure if it ever gets explicitly stated, but I think we can ascertain that from the pink hearts all over the main menu. You're the only human at a prestigious high school – yep, a dating sim set in a high school, because what we really needed was for things to get slightly creepy – and your objective is to. You play Hiyoko Tosaka (canonically speaking, although the option to input your own name means that there are probably more than a few people out there playing as Expletive Expletiveson), a girl in a world where birds have somehow gained sentience, the intangible ability to operate doorknobs, and a certain level of integration in human society. well, I really can't even relay the premise without being struck with an overwhelming urge to stop and point out the ridiculousness of it all. The somewhat weak gag upon which it sells itself – that is to say, being able to call itself the 'best pigeon dating sim ever' – is but a point of entry into. Hatoful Boyfriend tries, at least, to throw off that identity. That is to say, engaging in a lot of really one-sided conversations while staving off the sense that I'm slowly being covered in liquefied faeces. For a while I was worried that Hatoful Boyfriend would go down a similar path, and that once the novelty of “ha ha, I'm trying to chat up pigeons” wore off I'd be stuck with the actual tedious reality of trying to chat up pigeons. We've certainly had our fair share of one-joke games in recent years, usually in the form of low-effort mock simulators the kinds of games that sound hilarious on paper – and in obnoxious screamy Let's Play thumbnails – but ultimately boil down to one gimmick and some janky physics if you're lucky. That might not be the most accurate measure, though, since I can't say 'dating sim' with a straight face either. It had to be a joke, right? I can't even say the words 'pigeon dating sim' with a straight face. And therein lies my downfall, because I assumed there'd be a joke waiting for me. So here's my justification: I thought it would be a laugh. The very first thing one has to do after purchasing Hatoful Boyfriend – before downloading the game, before installing it, before one does anything at all – is to justify that purchase.
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